I grew up in a communist country. Before I even could understand what envy is, I knew it was bad.
I heard all those stories from my grandparents, with the good girl and the bad girl, the good farmer and the good farmer - and the good ones were never envious.
Growing up I was still feeling envy sometimes. Maybe no envy in a strict sense of the word but longing for things that I did not have and I saw other children using. Like, all kinds of food, for example.
My parents were no members of the one and only political party, the communist one.
My family was not communist in a sea of communist families . For a long time I did not even know what to make of that - or why it was important - but at school I was painfully made aware of it almost everyday by the children and teachers.
I cannot say that I was bullied. I wasn't getting the best grades I knew I deserved. There were friendships between girls where I was not aloud to take part. There were talks about huge expensive presents made to the teachers - things that I could never ever give.. There were the families that had the expensive homes and the expensive cars and had food.. There were the families that had a warm home in the winter and got packages from abroad with amazing sweets and plastic wrap :-).
I would sometimes visit such a family and feel embarrassed when they invited me to have a sandwich with something I saw at my home only once a year..
And I felt something like envy - but not quite. I was happy with what I had and I did not have the sensation of needing anything I saw in the other families. But still, there was that feeling. Of, maybe, a bit of "Why can't I just have that, too?". I loved my family and bit by bit could get a grasp of their principles. I have now an immense admiration for my parents - for their courage to stand up straight and not give in in becoming members of the communist party - it could not have been easy to resist that in a country where it was almost compulsory. And the courage to raise two kids in such a society, where not being a communist actually meant a lot of insecurity and struggle..
Nowadays all these things are only a memory. Deep embedded in me, I am still working at integrating it, but a memory nevertheless.
And it downed on me, the envy of my childhood was an envy of "I will never ever be able to have/eat those things, I will never be able to do that or the other thing".
Nowadays I feel a different kind of envy..
Nowadays, when I see something I feel envious off, I can totally let it empower me. I can transform it in something I can choose to do. I was paying attention these last few months, to what I was feeling related to envy. And if I can generalize a bit, it is some particular women around me that I envy, Women that stand even more than me in their power, in their freedom. Women who live their dream even more than me. Women who inspire and enlighten me. Women who know what they came here to do and are doing it.
And I realized, what I now feel is again no real envy. It's a longing to be even more than I am allowing me to be at the moment. It's a burning desire to soar up there with my sister eagles. To be all that I can be and more. To do all the things that inspire me. Even if I am afraid. To feel the fear and let it inspire me to do exactly what I am afraid to do.
Just like I now allow envy to empower me.
I also realized that I am doing what I came to do. Maybe not yet as big, maybe not yet as wide as I would want to. But I am. I am standing in my light and I do what inspires me. Everyday another piece of my puzzle falls in place and everyday I feel more and more clean of debris, like the David of Michelangelo, only it's me releasing me out of the stone I was trapped in.
It is a choice I make everyday. When I see a sister doing something that I want to do - that I feel kind off envious with, I will just go do it. Plan it - and do it.
So here is to all of us doing that, real-easing ourselves out of the stone we feel trapped in.
Find your voice. Tell your story. Live your purpose.
This is my wish for you.
ps: and what does this have anything to do with the picture? It's a picture of my raw organic chocolates. One of the things I felt inspired to do lately is to make these chocolates. They are really delicious.
pps: April's Shine of this year is all about finding your voice and telling your story. You are invited! Come join me either on:
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