I screwed up..!
I perfectly remember the first time I really wanted the Earth to open and eat me, right there and then.
I was volunteering before the school would start and I was 10, feeling very important. In just a week I would start having different teachers for every subject in place of one for everything.. In other words I was a grown up.
One of my to-be teachers scared me to death: The Chinese. He looked a bit Chinese, hence the name. Teaching mathematics, older children told me he'd be very "mean" and "serious", he would always give very bad grades and throw with the chalk if anyone dared to move in class.. I would later find out that, of these, none but the last one was true - and his aim was scary good..
As faith wanted, at that moment in time I found myself in his volunteering team and he asked me to calligraph a certain poster for the teachers.
Of course, I said, with my knees trembling - and I proceeded to ask for a sheet of paper.
As you may know, I am originally Romanian. In Romanian, a sheet of paper is called "coala" or "foaie" and while I could not decide on the spot for which one to ask, my terribly nervous brain made a combination between the two and I said:
I'd like to have a paper "coa-ie".
..... If you are Romanian, you are rolling on the ground with laughter, so I'll leave you to it. The next paragraph is not for you :-) Just come back when you're well enough. :-)
In case you do not speak Romanian: instead of a sheet of paper I had just asked my future most feared teacher for "donkey balls" paper - and that in a very bad slang word. Not at all proper for a 10 year old little grown up lady I pretended to be and NOT the best way to start a relationship that would last 4 years.. He just smiled and said: ".. so you'd like a "foaie" of a "coala" of paper.. thus splitting my combination into the two original words..
For a few hours I could not speak, my face was red/purple and burning, my teeth were clenching.
34 years further I am again on the same spot: clenching teeth, red-purple, speechless in a really bad way and I probably lost 3 kg right today - or gained 3, with my luck :-)
Look. I know we all do it. But as I am feeling as the master of procrastination while looking for words to tell you, well.... I bow my head in shame. Again.
(get down to it, Ioana, and soon..!)
You most probably remember the announcement about my joint program with Carmen, only a few short days ago.
Turns out, I screwed up.
We were - I was! - too hasty announcing it, as right now we have both too many things going on to also be able to launch our program together. We worked intensively together on it, we are very proud of how far we've got and we will continue to work together but we had to admit we are just not there right now, in terms of delivering our best performance together.
So, for the time being, it's just me.
And once again, I am redesigning the website and the pages - and if you feel dizzy - imagine how I feel :-)
Thank Goddess that I am the only one who's joggling pages around here - a web designer would most probably had resigned by now. :-)
But little by little I feel that it's getting clearer and my message shines more and more through (pun intended) :-) What do you think? Comments appreciated, below.
As a compensation for your dizziness I uploaded a new fragment (november 15) from my conversations with Carmen.
Ps: did you enjoy meeting your future self? Was she fun? Do tell!, right hereunder in the comments :-)
You are such a sweet and brave lady!!! It always feels so "HUGE" from the inside (like when I had to cancel all my classes because I had continued to schedule them despite an injury that needed surgery,...) But from outside, where I sit, it is a small, yet vital and important thing that has happened, and stopping a hasty decision before it becomes the monster it WOULD have become LOL is just plain BRAVE. A very wise man once said without fear, there is no courage. I so enjoy you. Cheryl
Thank you so much, Cheryl! It does, it does feel huge every time I say I'll do something and I cannot do it and I have to back up. Especially when it is about and to clients.. People hoped and reacted to something I have promised and then for one reason or another i have to change course. It feels BAD.. But yes, without fear there is no courage and I now know, that this fear is not life or death - so I stay on my path, as it is, and I am as authentic and sincere as I can.
Sorry that your collaboration was not ready to emerge, but love your ideas. Keep posting.
Oh goodness, I am PROUD of you for honoring your heart and knowing what your abilities are right here, right now! THAT is the most important and nurturing thing you could do for yourself, AND for those you wish to serve, so you can know that you are SHINING as bright as you need to when you share yourself in inspiring ways with others! Just keep connected to your inner self and be guided by love. You will be ready when you are ready, and that is NOT a "screw up"! Everything happens for a reason, and you are learning (and teaching!) through this brave experience! Shine on, Mama! <3
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