Dear Life - april's shine day 12/30 - a love letter to myself

Ioana, I love you

Dear Life,

I hope you do not mind but I would like to nuance our daily encounter.
This gratitude journal started officially more than a year ago with the 10 things and maybe a few years back with other stuff I did - but I kinda want to leave some of the structure behind. I am not really a kind of person who loves structure anyway and I never was (although I really really tried!!) 

So, Life, please allow me to send you love letters that are not lists or, even worse, bulleted:-) I mean, if you are my (girl)Friend as you are, I suppose you also do not enjoy a bulleted letter (what a concept!!).

Thus, from now on, a "simple" love letter to you every day. 
If I will ever feel like more structure is in order, I will let you know and I might come back to ten, or five, or one thing a day.

And there is one more change I dared to make in our daily encounter today, as I was inspired (by you, I suppose) this morning.

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Today I would like to write a first love letter to myself. 
My love is therefore indirectly directed to you, Life, because without you there is no me:-)

And it is an invitation for others to do the same. I do not know many people that love themselves, really. And I know no-one that writes love letters to him/herself. I believe we should do that, or do whatever to express and show that love. 

Maybe for somebody else it will be talking to him/herself in the mirror and saying that, saying "I love you" and meaning that. Or doing what Frank did in "may I be Frank"..

For me, it's writing at the moment. I tried the mirror and it was a great and interesting experience but it faded away after a while.. 
I am a writer. There. I said it. Even saying that is a great declaration of love to myself, being that I did not allow me to think about it for more than 20 years..

This is partly why I feel the need to start writing these love letters to myself. 
And partly it is because while going through the motions of this April's Shine is bringing a lot of changes also in myself. Great changes. I thought, I did something similar to this before, with other people guiding me, it will have some impact but maybe more on the ones who go along with this journey. The truth is, in these 10 last days, I made huge leaps in consciousness and I am more open than I ever was in my life. Fragile, yes. Exposed, yes. But strong, standing in my power and enormously determined.

It's super neat! :-)

Dear Ioana,

I know you've been through stuff and there is a place for talking about that, too. Not today, though. Today I am only going to send you my love.  

It feels a bit awkward (what a word! I had to look that one up!).. 
Because people do not do that, right? "Imagine" that we would become narcissistic or get a high nose or something...

I believe we, Ioana, are way behind that, now. It is time that we love each other and respect each other - and maybe invite other people to do that with themselves, too. 

Some years ago I would've found this letter taunting to write. Somebody asked me around it when I was deep in despair, and I remember the moment because it hit me hard.. I was with the sister of my partner at the time and I was deeply burned out. We were walking together is a frisky cold air, along some muddy field where some sheep were looking at us, aligned near the fence. She asked: but do you love yourself? I answered: of course! .. and I followed in my head with: what a ridiculous question! Of course I do!  what does that even MEAN..????.. and what if loving myself means making choices that will take me away from the people I "loved", like her brother...?.. what am I "supposed" to answer?..

And after a few days it started dawning on me: 
I-did-not-love-myself. 
I was not in-love with myself, I was really in-hate with myself.

And I was beating myself about it, as well about other things, like never taking care of myself (because that would've meant for example not working for 170 hours a week), like letting bad things happen to myself, all that. 

And it was not helping. 

That question was the catalyst of a process that brought me, almost 8 years later, to this place and hour, when I am sitting here, loving me and writing about it. 

And I know it will "take" many days to write to you, and I find it scary but I will do it anyway. 

I feel we need this now and that I am the one to do it. So I'll do it.

I will write to you tomorrow and the day after that, dear friend Ioana. You are worth it. And I am, too:-)

much love
Ioana