Dear Life - april's shine time-out day 1

drawing a house with straws

Dear Life,

Today it's raining and it's a gray cold day. I am grateful to be inside and to not have to go anywhere. 

I am sitting in my favorite chair, with an orange blanket on my legs to keep me warm - and it is extra cozy because my clothes are also orange (and purple) today.

I am also grateful for the water and electricity readily available to us. These are part of civilization that I really like and I can imagine why I would choose to live in this moment on time.

Today my love letter is to my body:

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Dear Body,

I know I do not write that often any more and please forgive me. I have been "busy".. I have had many things to do and to be honest, I sometimes forget about you.

But, my love, here I am. It might be a sign from Life, while I am writing this some light starts to appear through the clouds.

You know, I have all these reasons I should be grateful to you for. I am also going to write to you about them but I feel that there is something deeper I should touch today. It is elusive and it hides but maybe if I probe and try enough,  it will be ready to come out. If I just spiral enough around it, from outside in, I might just get close enough to feel it, smell it, touch it.

You, body, are the house of my soul. 
Thank you for accepting this task, thank you for accepting to start living again and be reborn out of the nothingness. 
Thank you that you accepted to come again through the birth canal, be squashed and pushed. 
I somehow know you did not yet feel ready yet - and still you did it. 
Thank you that you accepted to be my souls home again. 
And as I say this I realize, we were together before, my soul and you. 
And I am wondering who is the "me" writing - and a whole philosophical perspective arises..

For the simplicity, I am just going to write to you how I have started here above. 
So thank you. 
And sorry. 
I am sorry I did not protect you enough when you were growing up. 
I am sorry that you had to go through hardship and that in the middle of bad times I left you alone and I detached from you. 
I am sorry I did not step in to protect you. 
If I think about those times I realize now that I let all those things happen because I was amazed at the split between you and me. Maybe if I was feeling completely embodied, I would've defended us better. 
What happened is that the more bad things happened, the more detached from you I became. I am so sorry. 

And thank you for inspiring me to write this letter today. I am tentative and it feels really scary but I feel the truth coming out and I feel I have to say it. 
It is a pattern that I re-live today, isn't it? 
In place of taking responsibility and taking care of you 100%, I detach and I retreat under the umbrella of a false "trust" that you will take care of yourself..

The sky shows signs of blue now and there is a bright light shining from behind our house.

Dear Body, I understand it now. 
I will have to let this one sink in before I can write further. 

I feel much resistance to make this letter public and I will do it anyway just because I am afraid. 
Because this letter and the realization I just had feel so intimate - and yet there is a big storm around it. 

It does not feel like I got deep enough but I want to sit here and pause.