You know, this is probably.. this must be the most difficult part of my business..
Telling the truth at all times - with love.
Love - for all of us involved.. Me, included.
I guess the first thing that comes to my mind about this promise I made to myself (that I am not respecting) is that life is a cycle made of cycles.
You know what they say, that in 3 dimensions life looks like a spiral (my favourite) - but in real life it might feel like from time to time we arrive in the same (rotten) spot we were in a few months back or a few years back and think: Geez, I thought I already dealt with that..
And still, here it is. Again.
In "real life" I had a "real reason" to stop my project of 365 days of blogging only after... hahaha, a week.. :-)
Namely, my "real life reason" was that my beloved laptop broke.
It didn't break-break - but some of the letters went striking - Y, U, I, O.
(Like, the most important :-) the letters in Y O U and I :-) )
I did several practical things to find a solution - about which I will probably write at length another time, for the ones out there who might find themselves in the same kind of situation..
For now, let's just say I had a few kind of partial solutions for a while - but not a complete one until I bought a new laptop.. Which happened about one month after I stopped my baby 365 days project :-)
A month after! Gasp!
I promised to write 365 days, I wrote 7 in a row.. and now it was 30 days later..!
It gave me food for thought.
About how resistance can manifest itself in all these mysterious ways.
About how I did not even know when this whole month passed.
About how, after a month of not writing a thing, I had little to no inspiration.
About how before my computer broke I could not stop writing for more than 3 months..
..About how difficult it was to even consider writing this blog post.
Yet, here I am, writing it.
Life is a cycle made of cycles.
..Like the cycles of mad inspiration followed by a words drought so bad that even the spoken words would disappear. (Even V decided to ask me why I am so quiet...)
This is where I am now.
The cycle of mad inspiration was when the idea of "raw shine 365" first appeared.
And then it downed on me: if there is one thing I have learned from looking at V growing up is that things will forever and ever change.
Am I worried he will do one thing forever? It will change.
Do I want him to do something always? It will change.
Why didn't I know this also to be true about myself?
Why do we all think we are consistent and we have to be?
..We are growing habits because it makes us feel safe.
Why did I want to start blogging every day anyway?
Because I want to matter.
I want you to read what I say and tell me how clever or funny - or how consistent I am. Every day.
We learn consistency in kindergarden and then in school - and then we attempt to be consistent at work, we wake up at the same hour every day, some of us also eat at the same times every day.
We build these habits - in an attempt to get safe, to feel some control, to be able to explain the world somehow.
We tell ourselves, well, the sun, the planet, the galaxy, they all have cycles and habits.
We tell ourselves we should, too.
I am here to declare: I am not consistent.
I will most probably never ever be.
I cannot be.
(Even some of the regular rituals scare the s**t out of me.)
All my life until now I tried to be consistent..
Now I believe that this daily blogging idea came from my last attempt to coerce myself into consistency and regularity.
And my laptop obliged to serve me the lessons I could not see myself.
It broke so that I would have a good excuse.. :-)
...So I would not have to quit.
I remember my mother telling me once (Helo, Mami!) that being consistent is so very important.
That only by being consistent I can make people want to know me. And be with me.
It was some ten years ago but I remember writing at length about it in my journal. Pages and pages and pages - having a fight with my mom in my head.
I saw consistency as death.
Death to the inspiration.
Death to life. My life.
At that time I had the sweetest boyfriend in the world and among other things, he craved habits.
Something I could not give - so we broke up. And that made my mom very sad - as it did me..
But I craved variation.
I craved change.
I craved eating when I was hungry and sleeping when I was sleepy.
I craved no fixed anything.
I craved not having potatoes for dinner because that is what we do on Thursdays. (..And yes, I know several people who do this. It's not a metaphor. )
.. I craved making art when I was inspired - and writing when I was inspired.
And I craved building my life around these cravings.
So I did.
Ten years forward I am now living this life - built on inspiration and on going with the flow.
Having a certain structure is a good base - but with having my own business, homeschooling and being a single mom - I can maximally live in the flow.
My laptop was there to remind me - of an unsaid promise to myself made ten years ago - that busted the promise I made just a few months back..
#sorrynotsorry - writing a blog for 365 days in a row #nothappeningnow.
Sigh of relief as I am writing this.