I'll admit it.
I am wrong, I am all kinds of wrong.
- My vids are too long.
- The blogs I long to write are inappropriate for my biz.
- I have no idea whether I should write in US or UK English. Or in Dutch. Or in Romanian
- The book I am writing has little to nothing to do with my blog OR my biz. It started as a recipes book but this is not what it ends up to be every time I sit to write. And it's in English while I am a Romanian, living in the Netherlands. Confusing. Impossible to publish.
- My art does no match my business model.
- I am a single mother, homeschooling, having a business with at least 10 business model running at the same time.
I gave up planning it, it will happen when I can make some time for it.
I talk "too slowly" in English in my videos.
I also talk "too fast" in Romanian and plain "wrong" in Dutch. :-) (read: too slowly, using the wrong articles or too fast).
My words choose sometimes to come to me in three languages in the same time. Or sometimes they choose to come in a language that the ones conversing with me don't understand.
Even V told me at times that "I suck at Dutch". He speaks English with an American accent, Dutch in a quite ABN manner and Romanian with a very sweet, clean, Bucharest accent.
My accent is plain "accentuos" (sic, I love making up words). Making up words is wrong.
I moved away from Romania "because" I was "not brave enough to stay", not "patriotic" enough. I do not especially make my home in the NL, Romanian. I don't especially follow Romanian traditions. I don't quite keep up with politics in RO. Or in NL for that matter.
I am "too" inclined to keep my eyes open and I do not accept (political) bullshit. Therefore, I am a "conspirationista".
I am not positive enough. I share disturbing content on my social media. I share pain, I want to make pain known. Obviously wrong, I should "only" share love and light and feathery things. I am the Shining Mama after all.
I don't give enough information.
I give too much information away.
My stories are too long and too detailed. Get to the point.
In the same time, the beings in my art are faceless. (See, she cannot really draw, she is not a real artist).
And what is that for style? Abstract figurative mixed media? Never heard of that.
I cannot "keep a man" so I am not a real woman. (Do you know what not having sex for so long is doing to a body? No good things, no good things). It's obviously my own fault that I am a single mum. Which is so wrong. So wrong for a child to grow fatherless. Bad mother.
Oh and let's not forget about the part with "she's probably not fit enough to talk about health": not skinny enough, not doing enough yoga or sport, not forcing herself enough.
Not able to keep a regular practice.
I did not loose my baby fat. I weigh much more than before I got pregnant.
I am too alternative. I want to talk about too many controversial things.
Earning (much) money will transform me into a monster. Earning money is wrong.
I don't want a big house anyways, that's just more space to keep clean, more garden to tend to, more things to protect that can be obviously stolen. Earning enough to keep a roof above my head is enough. And I should work hard like hell to get that., I am after all an emigrant, "from that part of the world", what do I expect? (this one is softer and softer because East Europe is more "in" since the Syrian refugees are so "out").
My garden is too small to pretend that I am into sustainability.
I make things from Fimo - which is not good for mother Earth. Even with all the other things that are sustainable in my life and biz (or so I say).
Thus, not green at all..
I am a hypocrite like that.
I am not consistent with my message, with my newsletter, with my website, with my recipes.
And what I make and sell is too expensive.
I talk about God sometimes. Not often enough, not respectful enough. Or too often.
I do not swear enough, I am not angry enough. Thus, not authentic.
Did I forget anything?
Some came from my environment.
And some come from what I think my environment might think about me.
What they have in common is that they all bear a resonance with me. it's what I somehow believe. My beliefs. My shadow side.
They are all words that I use to stop myself from doing what I know I "should be" doing. From doing the things that make my soul happy.
Things that enrich me, that make me feel alive.
They are words that I use to stop myself from living the life I want to live.
Words that I use to keep myself in all the different prisons of "I can't do that".
This past year I stopped sharing my blogs although I wrote them.
Because they started being and were more and more "something else".
I could not stop writing them. But also could not start sharing them.
I stopped making my Fimo jewellery although it was one of the most enjoyable ways for me to practice my meditative art.
I stopped making my videos because they are always too long. And I can't make them shorter without stepping on my soul.
And then I remember.
I am not perfect.
I am NOT finished. Nothing is finished, it's a continuos flow.
It will probably never ever be finished, not as long as we live on our precious Earth - or anywhere else in the Universe, I suppose.
I do my best AND I cannot ever be perfect, as much as I want to.
I am just like a bee, just like a butterfly. I sit on a flower and I suck the nectar from it. And sometimes, just like bees, I eat sugar from somewhere else, man made.
I follow my own flow and do my best to match mine with the flow of the world around me, respect the flow of others.
Except if they don't respect mine. I am learning more and more: I give ME respect and it means expecting and demanding respect from others.
We all have our own path.
Mine is obviously not as straightforward as others might seem.
I learned to flow with my flow AND it means that, mostly, I have no idea where I am in the big scheme of things, not even in the big scheme of my own life or business.
I have faith but I tend to my camels. :-)
I am making plans AND can accept that mostly it's not how my life will go. I am flexible.
I am more and more assured that only by following what is true for me I can take my place in the world. And by accepting that I am always a work in progress.
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. Harvey Fierstein