New beginnings

This is a manifest.
MY manifest.

Raw and most probably unconventional.

​Uncomfortable to announce.

Although it's cooking and boiling for a while. 

(and that sounds quite funny coming from someone who loves raw food) :-)

I cannot do routines. (ok, except brushing my teeth).
I cannot be consistent.
I cannot do a “practice”, something that I would do every day, every week, every month, on a certain day or even once a year.

I wanted to re-start my blog for forever but in any case on January the 1st, 2019. 
And I wanted to do something on my blog every day for the next year.
Or at least once in a few days.
Or once a week.
Or once a month, for Goodness' sake.

---

I can’t. 
Everything in me just freezes and revolts at the idea of obliging myself to do something just because I decided.
Or because I promised myself.
Or because I promise you, for that matter.

I cannot do routine.
I cannot do every day.
Everything in me feels like it’s dying, even considering it.

​But I start now. 
In the flow. 
Today I start sharing again.
​Because I need to.

AND I don't want to force myself to do stuff. 
Not anymore.
Not ever.

In the past, it worked just like that. 
I would force myself to do it by announcing it, by putting it out there, by getting the clients for it - and it would work. By making myself accountable.
Inspiration would come, it would be great.

I cannot do that anymore.

Instead, I will do SOMETHING.

When I feel the flow, when inspiration comes and I have to write or I feel like this thing has to come through me, I will catch it and pour it into this cup here.

There are moments in image or video, there are word herds, there are stories and recipes, there are things that are asking to come through me.
I will allow them to come through. 
I will not struggle anymore to boss them and order them around.
Here's to their freedom.

I know that’s not much of a promise and it does not look like a prospect to be considered interesting, for most of us anyway, for the ones who consider consistency and accountability as laws of sharing.
I've done the courses, I’ve worked with coaches, I've heard advice from friends and strangers alike: do something consistently, that's the secret.

People should know what to expect.

People should wait for your blog/newsletter/vlog/work and they would know it’s coming. 

Whatever you do, BE CONSISTENT.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I refuse to share just because I "have to".
Or because I said I would.
But things want to be shared.

I will do what is doable for me. 
I will ask the questions. I will answer them.
Every day. 
I will write what wants to be written, make the videos that need to be made, photograph/record/make whatever comes through me.
I can promise to look at it, every day.
Something might not come every day.
Not even every week.
Not even every month, for that matter.
But when it comes, I will share it.

Because what happened these last 2 years, things came. Sometimes 

On the other hand, I might not be my best critic.
My work might be better than I think, in the way of “done is better than perfect”.
Because, like many of us nowadays, I discovered that I am a bit of a perfectionist, although I know how paralyzing that is.

AND not wanting to feel obliged to share also meant that I did not share anything.
Well, at least that was one of the reasons I did not share almost anything here for 2 years, it feels like an eternity.

​And so many things HAVE happened.
I've written things, I've made art, I've concocted recipes.
I wrote in my head ALL THE TIME.
And I've lived Things. Things that want to become known.

Here’s to change.
Today, on my name day, St. John, January 7th.
The name day is very much celebrated in Romania, my country of origin. 
Born and raised, as they say. 

With the risk of sounding rebellious and unpatriotic, I feel I raised myself to be more of myself after I left Romania. I might’ve never become the Ioana I am today if I hadn’t left.
But there are also things I've never left behind. Like my name, Ioana. Which we celebrate today.

It's a day for a new beginning.
Today is as good as any day.