self-portrait: a declaration of me-ness

When I grow up I am going to be a writer!

I used to say that all the time.

When I was 5, after being seriously ill and bed ridden for a long while (I remember looking for hours on end at a ceramics pinguin lamp next to my bed), my amazing Grandpa asked me what I wanted as a "get well present". I said "a notebook and a pen". It was that serious.. :-) 

And long after I turned 20 I wrote every day for hours..

So I became an architect :-) 

Because I lived in a communist country and did not want to be a communist writer. 

The passion for writing changed into a passion for drawing and than into a passion for freedom expressed in every little thing I did.
I started drawing even more, for me more than for my J.O.B. 
Which transformed into painting, playing and experimenting with all the art materials I could get my hands on, collaging and encaustic, photography and graphic design. Into dancing and singing.

Many years later and after deciding to leave the corporate world, I wanted to "have a website" so I learned how to make one. I started an internet based coaching practice a little while after my son was born and in the same time I discovered the marvelous and ingenious way our bodies work, provided we give them what they need. A new journey started, the green smoothies, juices and raw food, superfoods and the natural self care absorbed me totally up to the point of obsession, as did natural child rearing, unschooling, breastfeeding and attachment parenting.

Thus Shining Mama was born. And I was and am happy to include ALL that I am passionate about in one place. 
To Be the Totality of me. To write the blogs and the books, to experiment with raw foods, to be the most perfect (yeah!) single mother on Earth, to paint intuitively and share all the beauty I see with the world and most of all, to support people who want to share my journey. And recently, to express this all via video, a new beloved self expression toy.

So when are those excuses coming along? you might ask..

Right now and here.

I  AM SORRY.

Please forgive me that I haven't been in touch for a few months. 

It has been a crazy turcoise and purple with flairs of orange tornado of life going on, and lots of introspection. A million of "why"s every day (and my son was in his "why" period, too), lots of life and little big things were transforming and shaping me into a new kind of Shining Mama.
And just imagine my surprise when exactly my first ever gift to have, writing, decided all of a sudden to dry up somewhere end June, totally and unexpectedly. 

It was as if I was in a place so inundated with light that I never realized it was a room until someone - or the wind! - had shut the door and strangled every bit of light out. As if all of a sudden I was in a totally dark, very tiny room that had no door any more.

Pitch Black.

OH!!! NO!!!!
I have to write those blogs and send those mails to my friends, otherwise I am doomed! 
Everybody will forget me.
I will never be able to coach anybody in my whole life. 
End of business and abundance.

That was my first struggle.

The second to hundred thousand struggles were the feelings of instability that Pitch Black (PB) is giving us all, I believe.. 
PANIC!

So I dealt with PB. 
I detoxed. And I detoxed some more. My physical body and my other bodies, all I could touch, find, unwind and unearth.
I started growing and juicing my own sprouts and wheat grass. I lost kilos of baby fats and became more friends with me. I worked it, the PB.
And worked it again. 
I gave away to charity all the things I did not use. I'm planning to give some more.
And I looked Lady Resistance right in her beautiful blue eyes. She was no stranger, as you may know. 
We made peace, again.I just made a door in my PB room. I took a pen and I drawn it and I wrote it. And it opened.

---

And, my lovely, here is what I discovered. 
PBs are coming along to give us a gentle nudge, just like a loving dog pushes us softly to pay attention. 
I do not have to write to you every week so you do not forget me. I want to write to you when I have something to say. 
No white blurbing noise. 
No gargle and no fluff.

Just powerful, full, plump with meaning and rich with story words.
Light words. 
When I have no words, I will not invent them.
I hope you understand.

And you? Are you using words just because sometimes? 
Or do your light plump meaningful words always come to you? 

And did you have any PB lately? How was that for you? Did someone open your door or did you draw it yourself?
I would love to know.

---