Starting again (and again... and again...)

​There’s no way to start this (again!) than in the middle.

There’s no other place, really, then the middle. Always.

We seem to think there is a beginning - and an end - to things - and stories. I seem to believe that about my stories, anyway.

But as much as I attempt to find that one unique moment and reveal it to you - for the sake of understanding, and context, and consistency - my (momentous or original) beginning always eludes me.

So here I am, in the middle. In a random moment, within a random day.

As every moment of every day is a middle.
The birth - my birth or V's birth - they seem to be beginnings - but things did not start there, did they...

Is the beginning of a child, any human, really, the moment it physically enters the womb?
​That fleeting moment of entering and receiving that the parents shared?

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Or is it the beginning that moment when the spark of life comes to give life to the baby’s body in the womb? (which is when?)

Or… is it when the spark of life decided to go live in a human body?

Or is it, even, the first moment when the parents of the to-be-human first laid eyes on each other?

In the same way - ahem - proportions be respected 🙂 - in the same way, this blog, this journal of mine cannot start (again) anywhere else than in the middle. 

Because I used to write here and then I stopped - and then... I started and stopped again for a few times.

Because what I want to write and what I write when I write is not what I wrote here until now.

Because when I listen to others telling me what this journal must be, my hand gets blocked, my voice gets chocked and my brain freezes.

Because every word that I want to write feels real only when I write what I write and not what other people tell me I should write.

Because all that I want to write about feels like a coming out of a closet of sorts...

Not a sexual closet but those closets where we hide our deeper, truer selfs...

I seem to have lots of these, deep and dark rooms where I hid everything that is true to me.

And it feels difficult - it feels immense and very scary - to reveal all my little pieces to you.

I attempted it several times as you might have read - and every time (until now, fingers crossed) - I got chicken shit scared and crawled back into one of these little big rooms...

And once I am in one of these little big rooms it seems that there might not ever be a going back into the open.
It seems that everything that surrounds me there is darkness, contraction, constriction, depression, death, not a nice nothingness.

And right there begins the hard work again, finding the secret door out, to the place where I feel free, free to share and to write. Free to be who I am.

Because - TBH - shining is hard work.

Recently a friend asked me, is Shining Mama not a very constrictive term - as one would have to be shining all day, every day - and what about when one's not shining?

I realized right then and there - shining is hard work.
Is my work.
I am - and I admit that right now - far from shining most of the days.
I deal with deep depression and I am not happy, most of the time.

It is a journey of discovery.
And that is what I want to share with you here, open and sometimes bleeding. 

The business of shining is something that I personally HAVE TO do - consciously, every moment of every day - even in my sleep.
If not - there’s no shining to be seen here...

Shining takes courage - and it takes willing to consciously look at the every day me-  with eyes wide open.

It’s not a linear process, as we, humans, think and believe it is.

It’s not a “do this first and then this”.

It’s a "do everything in the same time” kind of thing. 
(And funny thing is, this is also how I want to write, but cannot - everything in the same time).

It’s a “wake up every day and do the stuff that works” - for me.

It’s a process where I first have to find out what indeed works for me and then do it.
Little by little, insert it into every day - and do it again and again until it can become a habit. 
Not a habit-habit - something that I do like brushing my teeth - but a habit of going to, consciously, every day.

It’s reminding myself of myself - every day.

It’s accepting (and oh boy, that feels tough to do) - of who I am, what I can do and - especially! - what I can’t (even if I - very badly! -  want to) do. 

It’s finding the time to take care of the "me" and this body I travel in.
Something that I am not used to, something that I only recently started to do and something that feels very foreign for someone like me, who - until now, fingers crossed! - always took care first of the "others", of everybody else.

It’s being honest with myself, and, most importantly at the moment, with you.

It’s standing in my power (and learning what that is, for me) as the trilogy of "me", my soul, and my body.
And standing ins my power in all the big or small "functions" that I have in this life:
- as an artist;
-as a (homeschooling and single) mother;
- as a advocate and ambassador of the most wonderful essential oils;
- as raw vegan chocolate maker;
- living, sharing and building of my business;
- as a money maker;
- as a writer..
... Just a few of my (assumed) roles and in no particular order.

It’s also accepting the moments when I am not standing in my power - and I believe it, not hiding it from myself in the name of "fake it till you make it"  - and it is also sharing those moments (with you).

It’s writing these little words and making the videos, putting the courses together - and - if I am completely honest (and I want to be) - it’s also sharing my courses and selling them (something that I did not star in until now).
It’s educating myself.
It's educating others.

It’s following and trusting my flow - wherever it takes me.
It’s listening to my inner voices and following their advice.
It's, I discovered, less listening and following the voices of other humans... :-)

It’s more and more trusting and following my own path, yes.
Less consuming other people’s thoughts, and words, and creations; less being in other people’s energy and genius and more and more being and expressing and creating my own zone of genius, my own shining bubble.

And a huge piece of the listing to and following of my flow is writing and publishing this journal - as it comes.
Not perfuming it, not giving it ab hair-do that matches what a “blog” should be.
Not writing it “for the business” - as all of my business mentors taught me until now - but writing it for me and you...

Because this journal, as I write it now and as it should be - is an exact reflection of my journey as a human, on Earth, at this time.

As my journey as this human is the reason why I started Shining Mama in the first place.

Coming full circle, thus - Shining Mama and my online community, Shining Essentials - reflect both my learning journey through this life, as I experience it.

So this is what this journal is all about.