(..or why I am not writing a blog every day, like I said I would..)
You know, this is probably.. this must be the most difficult part of my business..
Telling the truth at all times - with love.
Love - for all of us involved.. Me, included.
I guess the first thing that comes to my mind about this promise I made to myself (that I am not respecting) is that life is a cycle made of cycles.
You know what they say, that in 3 dimensions life looks like a spiral (my favourite) - but in real life it might feel like from time to time we arrive in the same (rotten) spot we were in a few months back or a few years back and think: Geez, I thought I already dealt with that..
And still, here it is. Again.
In "real life" I had a "real reason" to stop my project of 365 days of blogging only after... hahaha, a week.. :-)
Namely, my "real life reason" was that my beloved laptop broke.
It didn't break-break - but some of the letters went striking - Y, U, I, O.
(Like, the most important :-) the letters in Y O U and I :-) )
I did several practical things to find a solution - about which I will probably write at length another time, for the ones out there who might find themselves in the same kind of situation..
For now, let's just say I had a few kind of partial solutions for a while - but not a complete one until I bought a new laptop.. Which happened about one month after I stopped my baby 365 days project :-)
A month after! Gasp!
I promised to write 365 days, I wrote 7 in a row.. and now it was 30 days later..!
It gave me food for thought.
About how resistance can manifest itself in all these mysterious ways.
About how I did not even know when this whole month passed.
About how, after a month of not writing a thing, I had little to no inspiration.
About how before my computer broke I could not stop writing for more than 3 months..
..About how difficult it was to even consider writing this blog post.
Yet, here I am, writing it.
There used to be these huge things in my life before motherhood and having a little business of my own.. :-) two bundles of joy, how they say :-) Like, the Easter, the holidays, the Christmas.. you know, the big things.. and the small one, like full moon, new moon - and let's not forget, day and night :-)
I am still aligned with the natural cycles.. (Although arguably the Easter happening is more man made than natural)..
I am, I am still aligned, especially my body is.
In the same time there are other cycles, natural to me now, that are in the spot light nowadays..
In my little family, it's superhero time already a few months - and while we went through the well-known Superman, Spider-Man, Batman and the more modern Ironman and Thor, we are now in the 'invent a new one' phase, where V is inventing a new superhero or two everyday.
It is fun and exciting to see what he comes up with and how he adapts what he sees on YouTube to make his own costume and see it as 'the real thing'..
18 shiny boxes and counting for the duo boxes and I also cut the papers for the minis and a lot of other papers for the duo.
I used to make one box from the beginning till the end and then start with the next one.. Now, in the interest of time, I cut all the papers first - or at least, a big part of it - and I am making them as "automatically" as I can :-)
It goes much faster and I do not have to concentrate as much - which is win-win as I can listen to whatever I want to - and talk to V all day long without making too many mistakes..
I am so enjoying this process, it's a great meditative practice for me. And a great lesson in not stressing..
For some reason, this time I had no interest in making shiny boxes from prints of my art - but went on to make them from older stacks of carton that I have saved for a while. Wow, are they beautiful!
I am wondering why I felt nothing for making boxes from my art but here it is, me totally trusting that my intuition tells me what people will enjoy at the Leefmarkt fair..
We also had a surprise guest today in house:
Right now I am happy to say that we fall asleep around 12:00 in the night - which is a huge improvement to the 2:00 sometimes 3:00 o'clock of only a few months ago.. (V could not fall asleep)..
The improvement came maybe from the good weather and thus lots of walking and playing outside - v is more tired..
Or maybe the counter intuitive, that the days seem longer (it's getting dark past 9 o'clock in the evening at this time in the NL).. Or maybe that I am so so tired that V is just falling asleep earlier just for me, because he sees how tired I am..
However it came to be, this new habit gives me the wonderful possibility to wake up earlier and feel fit, sometimes as early as 7 (!!) and write, without losing too much needed sleep..
My planning for today (plus brain dump):
The fear that 'this' is it, while I am at the border.
While I am walking here in the mist, it smells like trees and in the same time like a vast yellow field, the crop I was looking for.
It smells like a forest garden.
And I am scared.
I can smell and feel my forest garden but I am still walking in the morning mist and I do not see anything.
What if I just pass it buy?
What if I will never ever find it..
What if it's Not.Meant.To.Be. ?..
As a mother, I feel that there are mostly the small victories that matter.
Sure, there might be the big births, the graduations and the big or small weddings..
But the everyday life has golden moments that a mother lives to cherish or lives to regret.
One big small personal victory is that I have more and more of the first and less and less of the last.
Last weekend I gave myself a small holiday after the hard (and loved!) work that April's Shine was.
I also kinda had it in my system as May 1st till May 5th were imprinted in my memories as free days, in RO for different reasons than in the NL. Especially as a student I loved going with my friends to the seaside in a small vacation in the first days of May..
These past few months I found myself writing hundreds of pages that I want to share with you, my faithful friends.
Not only have I written a blog a day for April's Shine but there are and where other stories, old and new, moments in time that need healing and closing, dreams and plans that want to be shared so that they can be anchored in reality.
So I have decided to go all vulnerable and share it all on my journal blog..
It feels really really naked and raw..
..I kind of struggled with the name i wanted to give to this new adventure I am embarking in - and I was trying to invent a good date to start..
Thinking about it when I started writing this mail I realized that starting "yesterday" felt actually "better". There is no one good day to do that - so I will just start. Tomorrow is day one.. :-)..
As April's Shine (30 mails in 30 days Detox program) was over, I gave myself a little tiny holiday..
..That I have spent doing whatever V wanted, pretty much.
You may have guessed it.. We watched Marvel's superhero movies over and over again while eating the first water melons of the season.. Yum, from Marocco, one of the few non-local staple food in our family..
But don't let me digress as there is a lot to cover today.. :-)
Today is the last Shine Café of the season.. In June, July and August there won't be any Shine Cafés and I am not really sure whether and when I will hold a Shine Cafe again.. Things are shifting lots in the Shining Mama's World (you'll hear more about it later) and I am planning to do more thngs online.. On the other hand, I love having you guys in my living room! Watching inspiring movies together and eating yummy raw shiny treats is always good so Shine Cafe might stay in the program after September.
Today we'll watch the movie the Connection: Mind your body. As usual we start around 14:00 with a raw buffet. I have prepared a new recipe for water kefir that is awesome! and some other really yummy treats.
The movie starts at 15:00 and is 74 min long.
Shining Mama @Leefmarkt
On May 16th Shining Mama will have a stand at the market Leefmarkt, (translated would be something like Live!-Market).
I will have lots and lots of Shiny Boxes with raw chocolate and some other raw shiny yummy surprises - like raw cakes and tarts.
Come if you are in The Hague, it will be fun.
..That joke with the priest that said "do as I say, not as I do"?
(Wiktionary says: This order first appeared in John Selden's Table-Talk (c. 1654): "Preachers say, 'Do as I say, not as I do.'")
I watch V, he is learning, every second of his life.
He is learning how this world works, how his body works, how interaction works.
Does he learn from what I say?
A bit, when I insist, I explain and I plead.
But the biggest part from his learning he does by watching me.
He learns from what I do.
I believe we are all like this naturally - but we the grown-ups seem to have learned to only (mostly) believe the words and not the actions of people around us.
In marketing school I even learned that people believe it more if they see something written - so I'd better write all kinds of convincing "facts" (read: lies) on my website - in order for people to buy what I sell..
Of course, this opens the door for everybody to write whatever they think fit - and declare it "truth"..
I don't remember the exact first time I saw you.
But we ended up working together, you and me, very late evenings, as one does..
I loved our together. Somehow as the days grew longer and everything became greener than green, so our love blossomed.
We understood each other and there was this electricity as we accidentally touched hands.
At the time I lived in the cheese factory.
I hear that the cheese factory is now an art gallery, how appropriate :-)
I loved living there. I was fascinated with all spaces and rooms, very mysterious and quite haunting.. (not something that I particularly appreciated). But oh, the windy nights when the trees were dancing in the sidewalk lights - i was laying on the floor and watching for hours.
I had some of the most blissful moments in that space. There were many rooms and none of them really a bedroom, living room or kitchen so I had to improvise and this added to the excitement. It was a kind of an old looking office and the entrance door was made of glass. There were all kinds of secret doors and closets.
When my mother came to visit from Romania she bought a ceramic cat from a local artist and she put it at the entrance. She said: there should always be a cat waiting for you at the door.
At my entrance door now there is a wooden cat that you bought for me once upon a time.
There was much love between me and you. There was friend's love and there was romantic love. There was the universal-unconditional-human love and there was the 'I want to marry you, have lots of kids and be with you forever' kind of love.
Only some of these actually manifested freely as you and I were always somehow out of sync, either you or I had other partners - or both in the same time.
But even when we did not see each other for years, once we met again it was us back in the old days, feeling young, laughing and playing.
There is something very special when two people can work together perfectly, and we did. And there was always something magical in our getting togethers. Always something uplifting about us even if we were never life partners.
Our friendship was deep and we could talk about anything and everything.
Now you decided you don't want any contact with me any more. The reason you gave sounded very strange to me but I respect your decision.
It hurts deeply. It hurts that I cannot understand and it hurts that it sounded nothing like our communication ever was since we first met. It hurst that i will not see you.
Friendships come and go, I know. Some friendships are for life - I always thought ours was for forever.
But I respect you and your decision - and whatever the reason was behind it.
I wish you a good ride and a wonderful life.
See you in the purple garden.
As things and stories go on and are transformed, this story, too, wants to be transformed into something else.
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I write about what makes me feel alive and shining: my work, art, love of life, sun, the sea, essential oils, my son, raw food and green smoothies.
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